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Our wonderful technology


It does it automatically, what a load of ****

It does it automatically; he’s what we think of it

It tries to second guess you, and always gets it wrong

We’re fed up to our back teeth, that’s why we sing this song


Bought myself a nice new car, as happy as a clown

Till I got up in the morning, found all the windows down


Night time in my garden, so took myself a torch

It started flashing ‘colonel bogey’ so slung it on the porch.


Speed cameras everywhere, growing by the score

Hundred quid fine through the post, and only doing thirty four


All decisions made for us, transistors in a link

But to mankind the greatest loss, the ability to think


The people who dream up this stuff, from ourselves they want to save

So technology becomes our master, and us its humble slave




Reading tealeaves for the future



Notice of Intended Prosecution arrives through the post, exceeding 30 mph limit in such a street, evidence from mobile GPS device (your phone).


 Your Emails have ads inserted.

New Road Signs: Special Award





A chap I knew bought a digital camera, every photo he took had the date and time printed across it. He had tried everything to get rid of it, I tried settings and everything I could see, to no avail. He had it back and threw it up the wall.


...and the top prize for unreadable emails goes to:



It looks Chinese to me


This joke was posted to a website:



Man sends a text to his next-door neighbour:

“Dave, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for months and I have to confess something to you. Dave, I have been helping myself to your wife when you're out at work..... I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home.
I can’t live with the guilt and shame any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apologies. I promise it won’t happen again.”

Feeling outraged and betrayed, Dave grabs his shotgun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later Dave gets a second text:

“I really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi’.”




Although its only a joke its worth thinking about.

I used to jest that WW3 would be started by a keyboard error.




I can remember the days when whatever you bought all it did was work



I came to use a computer that had stood for ages and found it would not hold the BIOS settings, date, time etc. Obviously CMOS battery gone, popped in a new one. Still the same.


Started thinking about a new motherboard, but then again, could be duff battery.


Took it out, and there on the back was a little label telling you it was dangerous to swallow it.

Whoever thought of this crap aught to have it stuck up their arse.


Some questions answered


Following the recent terrorist attacks it comes to light that some of the culprits were reported to the anti terror hotline some time ago, yet nothing was done. Why?


Easy, when the call was made they were either talking to an Indian call centre or a machine.



I know for a fact that some of my confidential tax information was sent to the wrong address after the system was updated.


Bought a new car (About time)


Driving up to Wales I am interrupted by a driver alert which means I have to take my eyes off the road to read it.

So what was the issue, low oil pressure, deflating tyre?

No, a picture of a coffee cup and "Take a break"


Next lay-by, stop, reading glasses, setup, disable.

That's you sorted.



Taking eyes off the road, err, such as to read this?



Newish Vauxhall Corsa on loan. I hadn't actually took my eyes off the road until this suddenly popped up. Bloody daft buggers.



.......and more


For some reason goods were being delivered to my home addressed to "No1" and I have had to put up a big sign "NOT No 1" next to my house sign. I tried Googling my address and according to Google I live in the middle of a nearby field.




I wanted a simple timer to use in order to switch some lights on and off at the same time each day. Simple. Well, no not exactly. Although nicely made and incorporating a re-chargeable battery as a UPS in the event of a power cut, what I got was the most hideously complicated thing I have seen to date. The instructions are reproduced below, see if you can figure it out. Now I am an electronics engineer (LED Lighting), a PC and local network system engineer, a Visual basic developer, and a MS Access developer, but it took me three days.. It has no less that 17 daily functions running on 15 different weekly programs and is written in very poor English.

All to switch some lights on and off at the same time each day.



Do I know where I live?


More delivery issues. It sees that a lot of large companies now aren't shipping to the actual; address as given by the customer, but 'processing' them and a wonderful system then prints an address label to where it in its infinite wisdom knows to be the correct address. Result is that now I have a lot of stuff bouncing back to sender, "address incomplete" due to the wonderful system omitting the name of my house.



and now we go to jail


You couldn't make it up. People convicted of fraud and sent to jail, all on the back of a dodgey computer system.


From the BBC:


"Judges have quashed the convictions of 39 former postmasters after the UK's most widespread miscarriage of justice.
They were convicted of stealing money, with some imprisoned, after the Post Office installed the Horizon computer system in branches.
The system was flawed. Some of those whose lives were ruined now want those responsible to be "punished".


Full story here: